Things 90s Kids Realize
A warm and fuzzy cup of nostalgia for my fellow 90s kids.
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So you would think being a program that aired during a 2 hour family television block (TGIF) would be enough to make the writers of Dinosaurs show a little sensitivity when creating the series finale episode, right? Wrong. The show ended with not so much as a glimmer of hope for the characters we had grown emotionally attached to over 4 seasons and 65 episodes. It left us crying in our dinner on an emotionally draining Friday evening in 1994. Throughout those episodes we saw the loveable family of dinosaurs deal with issues such as women’s rights, peer pressure, environmentalism, and civil rights. Anyway, the ending began when…
1.) The irresponsible dinosaurs constructed a wax fruit factory on some beetles’ swampland habitat, forcing the species into extinction. As a result, cider poppy vines that the beetles would normally devour rapidly grew out of control.
2.) Earl was put in charge of getting rid of the massive amounts of vines and he decided to spay the planet with defoliant. Problem solved, right? Wrong again.3.) The spraying caused all plant life on the planet to die.
4.) In one final act of stupidity, the dinosaurs decide that dropping bombs in the planets volcanoes will cause them to erupt, creating clouds, causing it to rain and reviving their plants. Instead, the dark clouds cause global cooling due to massive cloud cover and scientists guesstimate that it would take “tens of thousands of years” to stop.
Realizing that his entire species is completely F’d, Earl simply apologizes to his family for ending the world. The series ends with newsman Howard Handupme delivering a disturbing broadcast that ends eerily with the delivery of the phrase “Goodnight” and “Goodbye” to the audience. Now I personally was about six years old when this aired and aside from Mufasa falling off a cliff & getting crushed by a “Wal-Mart on Black Friday-esque” stampede, the ending of Dinosaurs was the most gut wrenching thing I had to watch.HERE’S THE LAST HALF OF THE DINOSAURS SERIES FINALE.Watch at your own risk, 90s lovers.
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This is an issue that has been eating away at the nostalgic hearts of Doug lovers around the world for over a decade; and now, it’s time we release those feelings of disappointment and frustration. In 1996, Disney took Doug and changed things in a way that ruined the pure excellence Nickelodeon had previously created. It wasn’t just the fact that the new Doug had stupid, long sleeves and full length pants instead of khaki shorts. There were 10 specific differences that irked millions of us and they are listed below, in no particular order:
1.) Disney’s Doug had a new, whistling theme song that paled in comparison to the original.
2.) Disney’s Doug had 9 strands of hair, instead of 8. (OK, I’m nitpicking and it was for trademark purposes, but still.)
3.) Disney’s Doug added a new younger sister to the Funnie family. Her name was Cleopatra and she served no real purpose.
4.) Patti got a new haircut and a tan. The short hairdo gave her a prepubescent boyish charm that made Doug go more Gaga than Lady over Ms. Mayonnaise.
5.) Roger Klotz became rich in Disney’s Doug after living broke and in a trailer park for 3 seasons on Nickelodeon. Why would we want to see the character that we hated for all those episodes suddenly be rollin’ in the dough?
6.) The lightning bolt on Skeeter’s shirt became a zero and they changed his look up enough to make us notice and be aggravated.
7.) Every episode of Disney’s Doug was full length 22 minutes while Nickelodeons Doug was split into two 11 minute segments.
8.) The Honker Burger where Doug & company hung out on Nickelodeon closed down.
9.) Connie Benge lost like 50 pounds and was skinny on Disney’s Doug.
10.) Last but certainly not least and probably MOST bothersome of all, Disney’s Doug decided to BREAK UP THE GREATEST FICTION BAND OF ALL TIME, THE BEETS. Like we discussed in realization #69, The Beets created some brilliant songs that were better than a lot of un-animated, real life artists that exist today. This change by Disney is unacceptable and unforgivable.In the interest of originality, it’s probably best that networks try creating their own, unique cartoon series’. However, if they insist on buying the rights to a classic, please don’t make unnecessary changes. How would they like it if Nickelodeon bought the rights to Ducktales, made Uncle Scrooge poor, changed Louie McDuck’s shirt to purple and created a new theme song that isn’t nearly as catchy or awesome as the classic, “Ducktales – a woo hoo!”? To answer my own question, they wouldn’t like it. In fact, they would hate it! So, there is a lesson to be learned in Patti’s short hair, Doug’s baby sister and the hefty bank account of Roger Klotz; be original, even if you can afford you buy your way out of it.
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The Spiderman animated series was watered down with censorship yet it found a way to be great. Sure they weren’t allowed to show Spidey punching any bad guys or even saying the world “kill”… And it kind of strayed away from the comics, and there were a lot of storylines involving Peter Parker’s mushy, gushy love for Mary Jane but ultimately, it entertained 90s kids. The show featured all of the classic Spiderman villains like Kingpin, Doctor Octopus, Scorpion, Green Goblin, Mysterio, Hobgoblin, Venom, Carnage and Chameleon; and that was a huge part of its appeal. The Spiderman films had some hope; that is until the catastrophic, massacre Spiderman 3 came out, making us want to shoot web into our eyes and run back to 1994 to relieve the animated series.
As avid watchers of animated 90s Spidey, at what moment did you realize the films had failed you? For me, it was Tobey (Peter Parker) dancing down the street in Spiderman 3. Shameful. Relive the painful scene below.
