Things 90s Kids Realize

Of all evil characters, Him is one whose name (or lack thereof) should be in the discussion of best villain ever. For starters, he’s Satan and that in itself is worth some value. Watching this flamboyant, cross-dressing devil with lobster claws express his extreme hate of the Powerpuff Girls has become more and more frightening. As a youngster, I found Him creepy but somehow he’s managed to make like a fine wine and get better with age. Mojo Jojo undeservingly received a lot of credit as the head nemesis to the Powerpuff Girls but in actuality, this guy was serious business. It was hard to understand Him then but now, I realize he was more than just a villain – Him was a DIVA. The type of villain who only drinks Fiji water and eats the finest meats and cheeses. Looking back, Him is a scenario in which we might actually see the devil wear Prada.

They run, they jump, they swim & play, they row and go on trips! While there are only two seasons that consist of 26 total episodes, this shows greatness should not be overlooked. With a unique cast of characters that play off of each other well like Donkey Lips, Budnick, Sponge and Telly, this show was bound for success. Factor in a magnificent intro with one of the coolest Nick theme songs in existence and you’re talking about a classic. This show influenced me so much that around 8 years old I was making plans to attend summer camp as a teen. Unfortunately, dealing with bossy counselors and teenage drama is not nearly as much fun when you’re not watching it on Nickelodeon. Go figure.

The similarities between Mr. Bravo and some cast members of The Jersey Shoreare uncanny. He shared the same narcissistic personality as The Situation. How so? Well, they both spend a good portion of their spare time flexing and vocally admiring their own physiques. In addition they both love to hit on a variety of women, sometimes aggressively which often times results in rejection. Then he’s got that flashy, stiff, gelled blond hair that gives DJ Pauly D’s updoo a run for its money. He sports the tight, form fitting shirts, wears shades and sadly, still lives at home with his mother, much like Vinny. Perhaps Johnny Bravo had the misfortune of being ahead of his time and for that reason, we shall call him:“The Unfortunate Situation”.

As a dude who loves brownies and cookies, I normally wouldn’t complain about this but in retrospect, I have a couple of qualms with ‘em. If you wanted to purchase an Easy Bake Oven they were (and to this day, still are) located smack-dab in the middle of the girl’s toys section. To me, this means one of two things: either toy makers believe future women will inevitably end up in the kitchen OR they assume that no young dudes enjoy culinary arts and/or don’t know a thing about baking. I understand the segregation between Barbies and action figures but this is a different case. Does loving the preparation and consuming of baked sweets make a little boy less of a man? Absolutely not, so make an oven that isn’t hot pink and maybe parents can buy ‘em for boys too.

When it comes to the 90s, I don’t think there’s a single game that I spent more time playing than GoldenEye. There was nothing like running through caves, basements, libraries, bunkers and caverns, busting caps in all kinds of asses. Then you could do multi-player and bust caps in your friends asses. If you were like me,  you put in cheat codes so that you could be invisible or have infinite health and you ran through levels killing fools like Rambo… Or James Bond. Anyway, if you don’t have an N64, find one and play GoldenEye immediately! This game NEVER gets old (Which is more than I can say about the subjects in Realization #40). Also, be on the lookout for a new version of GoldenEye that’s coming out for the Wii in the near future.

Dog just wanted to have a good time and Cat, like a prick, was constantly shooting him down. I don’t know if the fact that I love dogs much more than cats in real life comes into play here but the fact of the matter is that Cat was alwaysbitching about one thing or another. Dog wanted to eat tacos and go on adventures but he had Debbie the Downer attached to him, blurting out reasons not to live life to the fullest. If I was dog, I would’ve looked into getting extensive surgery to have Cat aka “Fun Cancer” removed.

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Wild & Crazy Kids, What Would You Do, Double Dare and Figure It Out were some of my top choices. We would’ve had a blast taking pies to the face, getting slimed, choosing the physical challenge and meeting Cuba Gooding’s brother, Omar on Wild & Crazy Kids. Unfortunately as a kid I was nowhere near the vicinity of these shows filming locations and I never got to experience anything like it. I envy the small group of people in the world today who can say they were on a Nickelodeon game show… But if there’s anyone out there reading this who was on one, tell me, was it as amazing as I think it was?

For years we saw Urkel desperately strive for attention from Laura Winslow. Initially I was annoyed that he was acting so obsessive over a girl who was really a dime a dozen. Laura was a pretty girl but she wasn’t God’s masterpiece like Steve made her out to be. Besides that, I have an even bigger issue with the fact that Urkel was blowing off a girl named Myra who was a hottie. I know opinions may vary but Myra was blatantly better looking and more into Steve, so what exactly was the problem?! With glasses as thick as his were, his vision should’ve been good enough to pickup on the fact that Myra Monkhouse was smoking. (Sadly, Michelle Thomas, the actress who played Myra passed away in 1998 of a rare stomach cancer.)

The Magic School Bus books and cartoon were two of my personal favorites. Sadly, a lot of the kids in my class thought riding the “Magic School Bus” was an attainable dream. Personally, I think that Ms. Frizzle was allowed to go on crazy adventures by consuming some heavy duty drugs. I also assume she was distributing those same drugs to the kids, which allowed them to follow her on the journey. I think I had perfect attendance for one year based solely on the fact that I held out hope that something extraordinary would happen on my bus ride to school. Unfortunately, my driver was no Ms. Frizzle and the most magical thing my bus ever did was break down and make me late enough to miss a spelling test that I wasn’t prepared for.

OK, so here is one of the most confusing childhood tendencies ever, definitely a concept I can’t wrap my mind around: I HATED READING AS A KID. HATED IT. But, when my teachers handed out those Scholastic Book Orders, I wanted every friggin’ book in the catalog, all of it! And my parents, encouraged by my desire to read would order me masses of books which was very satisfying. Then, later when the books actually arrived, I wanted nothing to do with them. I’m not sure what it is about the catalog that made me insist I wanted pages and pages of child literature but the second it arrived, I wanted my action figures and nothing else.

The competitions on this show all looked extremely difficult. They had legitimate young athletes battling it out in a bunch of crap that I don’t think I could do now. Anyway, after all these events the final showdown was The Aggro Crag which consisted of climbing a giant fabricated mountain while activating targets along the way. In retrospect, this was probably the most difficult kids game show of all time. When you add in the level of competitors and the skill required for these competitions, this is like American Gladiators except it’s for kids… and minus the gladiators.

Cheese & Crackers are one thing but Lunchables flipped the script on us when they created the quick fix Pizzas — kids went ape-shit. I remember reveling in glory over the fact that I was actually constructing my own delicious, mini pizza. If you were one of the crafty kids you would do sauce on top of the cheese and pepperoni or make a sandwich out of it. Recently I bought one to see if it created the same fireworks as it had in years past and let me say, it’s still pretty damn phenomenal. That being said, “Pizza Lunchables” taste NOTHING like “actual pizza”… Or does “actual pizza” taste nothing like” Pizza Lunchables”? Hmmm, talk about food for thought…